Before I had children I was quite adamant about the fact that I would spank my children without hesitation once they reached an age of understanding. After all, the good book does say…Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them (Proverbs 13:24, NIV).
Well, I’ve come to the realization that I don’t want to spank Madison. I wouldn’t spank her any time soon regardless as she wouldn’t really understand, but I’m referring to when she gets older. This is something that Mario and I have discussed recently because my views on spanking have changed and, well, his haven’t. It’s so crazy because at one point I was thinking, “man, this is one of those things we should have discussed before we got married”, but, we did discuss it and we were in agreement. I just wanted to point that out because I hear people making those types of statements all the time…”make sure you discuss this and that before you get married” not realizing that your views may changed once you’re in that situation.
I didn’t know that I’d adapt an attachment parenting style (which we’ll discuss in more detail at some point). I thought I’d be the strict disciplinarian type and Mario thought I’d be that way as well. Then the girl came along and she’s held my heart in her hand since the moment I laid eyes on her. I can’t bare to see her hurt, I can’t stand to see her cry and I’ll be darned if I’ll be the one to voluntarily inflict pain on her!
Does this mean that I hate my child according to the word? I don’t think that’s the case. I don’t think the verse has to be taken so literal to the point that I have to spank her to discipline her. Even now, Madison can hear disappointment in my tone when she is doing something wrong and knows that she needs to stop what she’s doing during those times….well, some times. It’s a work in progress! Like I said earlier, I am willing to tap her hands here and there so we’ll just consider that as the “rod”, just in case!
So glad you discussed this. Its a very touchy subject. My mom spanked me (but rarely, she pinched me more and I guess I turned out okay). But I also vowed not to spank my kids until i had kids. The last thing i wanted is for my kids to fear me, I wanted them to respect me. However, i have not used a belt, only my hand, like tap on the legs or a pinch.
You summed it up, Rekita! I want my children to respect me not fear me. My mom rarely had to spank me as well and I found that I didn't want to disappoint her so her letting me know that I did would usually be enough to break me down. I'm hoping that I can have the same approach with my children. We'll see :)!
I've never been a parent so I can't say for sure, but I don't think I want to spank my (totally hypothetical) children. My fiance says he will, but who knows what will happen… Like you said, you can get your point across just as well with your tone. I was never spanked, and I turned out okay!
Exactly, Alyssa! I think it's more about children understanding that they did wrong (with your tone) and knowing what that they did wrong (communicating with them) versus physical discipline. I can count on one hand the number of times I was spanked (they were all well deserved) and I too turned out just fine!
I totally agree with what Rekita said. I think spanking makes children fear you instead of respect you. If you spank your child for doing something wrong, they will just try to hide that thing from you in the future…not discontinue their "bad" behavior.
It is funny(?), though, because I see some children and think, "they need a good pop on the rear end". haha!!
I love what you said about children trying to hide their wrongs in the future, Ashley. Such a great point. I also have those exact same thoughts about some children I see just having their way in public, lol! But I will say that when I see children who I think needs a good spanking I often also think they they not only don't get spanked but they don't get disciplined properly (i.e. just allowed to do whatever they want to do with no consequences). I think you definitely have to be strong in the way that you discipline (especially when you choose not to spank) so that children know that they can't just do anything and act anyway.
Before I had kids, I didn't think spanking was a bad thing either. Then once I had kids, I also changed my mind. My thinking now is that you want to teach your children not to hit or be violent and that hitting someone is never a good thing. So why should a parent spank a child, which is the same as hitting. My kids are kind and respectful (so far!) and they listen to us and I've never spanked them. I think it sends the wrong message.
Yes, Dawn! I often see children as small as Madison pushing and hitting and wonder if it's because they feel that hitting and spanking is an option that's okay and that's not something that I want to teach. I totally agree that it has the potential to send the wrong message. There are so many ways to get your point across and properly discipline children without spanking them. It's just a matter of being strong in the way that you discipline so that they know they can't just get away with anything and act any kind of way and respect you as a parent.
It's so easy to say what you will do when you're not in a situation, but you won't truly know unless you're in that situation. Me and the bf have talked about disciplining our totally hypothetical children (Alyssa put it so well!) and we're on the same page. Discipline does not mean hitting. Like Rekita says it definitely instills fear and like Ashley says it also teaches the child to become better at hiding things from you. I don't want that. I want an open, respectful relationship with my child…with open lines of communication. Children are very capable of understanding. It's very important for children to understand actions and consequences…because the real world is no joke…after all isn't that what we're preparing them for anyway?
(I had many thoughts about this one…it was hard to squeeze them all into this comment box. I hope my blurb makes sense!)
Exactly, Mionna! I want my children to be very open with me and feel that we can all communicate about anything, even things they know I won't like. I want to be able to explain to them what they did wrong and why they shouldn't do it in the future (understanding it versus being afraid). And you're so right we're preparing them to make decisions and making sure that they understand consequences should aid them in making good decisions!
OMG, look at that face? How can u even think about that:) She is soooo dramtatic and I'm afraid she got some of that from her Nana 🙂
Lol, yes, she is incredibly dramatic and I tell Mario all the time that she got it from you and Demetri!!!