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With the months of August through November approaching I find myself thinking about my mother and my upbringing, constantly. Recently, I’ve been emotionally spent and felt that life was too much to bare.
This is not to say that I would ever take my life because I recognize that I have a God who is able and I have a family who loves me, dearly. In other words, I know that I have so, so much to live for! Although I would NEVER attempt to harm myself in any form or fashion, and I mean that sincerely and know it wholeheartedly, that doesn’t keep it from coming up as a simple thought.
To explain it like I did to my husband:
“When times get really hard and struggles and emotions completely overwhelm me, I usually go somewhere alone and think about my options. After a lot of thinking and contemplating, say I come up with four options. The last option will almost always be a thought of death. I usually quickly dismiss the notion. But the point is that it comes up, it’s a thought, I dwell on it for a bit then I let it go.”
My husband’s response:
“When you feel this way, come get me, call me, no matter where I am and what I’m doing, we must stop and pray together.”
So grateful for that man!
Now, this way of thinking stems from situations I witnessed growing up. I’ve often found that I could find myself in a depressed state rather easily, over simple, trivial things and suicide was easily an option up for consideration. It wasn’t until I came out of my last “great” depression that I realized the battles I had with not only depression, but serious thoughts of suicide (actually planning out how I was going to kill myself). My husband calls it a generational curse and if I were to tell my entire story you’d probably understand why he feels that way. But, although I understand the term, it has always been quite weird to me and a great deal of the story isn’t really mine to tell.
Nonetheless, I feel that I must continue to bring these types of thoughts to God and discuss them with my husband, and even bring them up in this platform. Why? To get it out there, to see it for what it is and to solicit prayer for myself, and others like me, because I’m a serious believer in prayer and it’s power. And I’ve found that quite often the enemy wants up to keep our thoughts and feelings bottled up inside to torment us and make us feel isolated and alone. So now that I’ve finally moved passed the ridiculous bouts of depression that would usually overtake me in dire situations that would cause me to want to actually kill myself; I must now ensure that my thoughts are kept in order so that I’m never led back down that road!
I almost didn’t share this because I know my children may read this one day but I believe that we must have an understanding of our history if we have any hopes of understanding where certain things (i.e. traits, emotions, actions, etc.) stem from so that we can make strides towards changing things for the better. So with that said, this is also about my children and my children’s children. It’s about setting an example for how to deal with difficulty in a healthy manner. Everyone gets upset, everyone goes through something and trial and tribulations will certainly come. How you handle those tests usually depend on how you were taught to handle them be it through instruction or by example. We truly are a product of our environment and although we can change who we become for the better in those instances where we didn’t have the best example sometimes those thoughts are so deep-rooted within us that we unconsciously gravitate towards the negative path unintentionally.
At some point the cycle must be broken and I declare that the cycle ends with me! May my children and the generations to come have a full understanding of the word, knowing that trials and tribulations will come and even see them as necessary to help them grow. May they know that the difficulties of life are only tests and be able to handle them with the end result in mind; knowing that no matter the situation, whatever the case, God is working it out for their good. May they not just know this, but trust and believe it wholeheartedly. Having the faith of a mustard seed and a solid foundation through our positive, healthy, spirit-lead instruction and example!
I claim it right now, in Jesus name!
Amen.
Amen to this girl!! Your husband is a wonderful man. 🙂
Pretty much throughout my whole teenage life the thought of death being a good escape came often.. When really it's not an escape. It's a trap.. A trap the enemy plants in our minds to keep us from doing God's calling. Love you girl! And I declare victory over you in Jesus Name! Love you!!
I totally agree (about the hubby statement)!!! And you're so right about death being a trap straight from the enemy. The devil is constantly trying to attack our minds and I think recognizing that and being on guard (covered in His word) is key! Love you to girl and thank you so much for your prayers and support!!!
This is very personal, and I appreciate you sharing this with your readers. I think that too often we brush aside legitimate depression and thoughts of suicide as just being sad. Often people are told that they are overreacting or to "just get over it." I can relate to your post 100% – I ended up doing some therapy sessions in college because I slipped into a deep depression. I was fortunate to have people around me who valued me enough to get me to seek help.
You are a brave woman of God, and you do have a lot to live for, which you already know 🙂 Thanks again for sharing these words.
Thanks, Ashleigh! It was not an easy post to hit the publish button on for sure. I totally agree with you in relation to how others tend to brush off depression. But I recognize that it's one of those things that is incredibly hard to understand unless you've experienced it. I've done some therapy throughout my life and was just telling my husband that I need to have a therapist I can go to just to go to. In my opinion, mental health is just as important as physical health so it's no different than visiting any other kind of doctor to keep everything in check!
Thanks so much for your kind words, Ashleigh, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment!
So proud of you for sharing this! I know that there is a purpose and that it will be fullfilled. As I mentioned, with Life comes Trouble (John 16:33), being full aware of this FACT allows us to deal properly with the feelings of…why is this happening to me, why did this person die, why can't I ever seem to get it right, why, why why. So I'm learning that when some of these feelings/times pop up, I simply have to say, "that's life", not to say that I don't feel mad, sad or indifferent about the situation but We are guaranteed to go through trouble in this life but as you know God is with us, he is our Hope and putting our TRUST in him, knowing that he's got us in his hand, makes life worth living. In the words of one of my favorite songs…I know to much about him (God) and there's nothing to make me doubt him.
So in summary to my dissertation :), Life = Trouble, God = Hope!
I totally agree, Tasha! And that's so good…it's definitely a fact of life and I too am learning to say "that's life". It's not always easy and something that I have to work at when life throws a curve ball but I certainly have a much better mindset than I've had in the past!
And I just love your summary!!!
Thanks for your very real post about depression! I understand all too well, Nicole! You are not alone! And I appreciate your transparency and candidness. It's so hard to write about, I know. But you've blessed me with your journey. I'm praying for you!
-Rachelle
Yes, Rachelle, it's definitely hard to put myself out there like this! I do believe that God has a purpose for me, and this platform, so I do my best to be honest and open when I feel led and I pray that it helps me and others in some way. So thank you for your words, Rachelle. Just your comment alone makes taking this risk to share worth it. Thanks for your prayers and I'll be doing the same for you!!!
Thank for for such a deep, personal, to-the-point, post. Yes, it is a topic that seems like a taboo to talk about. People always seem to think that a person is weak for even thinking and actually talking aloud in a conversation of such. I think that such a person has inner strength. I have always told my kids that the reason for learning about God is so that you have somewhere to turn when I can't help them or they can't find the answer themselves. Continue to post such wonderful posts, there is always a platform for such conversations.
Sharon
http://makeitorfixit.com
Thanks, Sharon! You're so right, too often we shy away from this topic yet it affects so many people and like you said, we're often judged in some way when we do. But, I love your thoughts about God in relation to your children and that's definitely something I'd like to be mindful of to share with mine. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment!
Beautifully written! I have to admit, I have thought about suicide as well. Never in a very serious way. But I have struggled with depression a bit. During those low times I have contemplated all my options. The adversary always thrives on those times and puts those thoughts in my mind. I am grateful that I have been raised well enough to recognize those thoughts for what they are, and quickly snap back to reality. I strongly believe that if we are constantly praying and keeping Christ in our lives, we will have that ability to tell the difference and get back on the straight path. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Thanks, Amanda! This is one of those things (depression and/or suicide) that I believe so many people struggle with or have struggled with in life. I too am grateful for the support that I have to keep my mind in the right place. I love your thoughts about prayer and Christ. Thanks so much for your thoughts, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment!
Thank you for this. As you have stated, it is easy to react to difficult situations the way you have seen others react. It can be tough to break that cycle. This was very helpful to me, a good reminder to me that I'm not alone.
Yes, Lynne, it's so easy to live life based on the examples you have to pull from. And I know that breaking that cycle is one that takes constant prayer! I'm so glad that you found this post helpful and I truly appreciate your comment! Take care, dear!!!
I am sure that somewhere everyone has thought of how much easier everything would be if we weren't here at all. For you to share that on such a public forum is so brave and I commend you for that.
You have a strong faith, a husband who loves you and your blog friends who will always support you.
Hugs mama
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(¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
Raising-Reagan.com
Thanks, Lanaya, I totally agree with everything you've said! I can't thank you enough for your continual support!
Wow Nicole! By reading your posts I can tell you and I have so much in common! Though I have never really struggled with thoughts of suicide but I struggle with the spirit of fear. It's annoying and I hate it. It's similar to depression and thoughts of suicide bc they're all from the enemy.
Your husband and my husband are a lot alike. God has def placed Him in my life to remind me of how powerful, real and simple the word of God is. I so agree with your husband about that thinking being a generational curse as I realized very recently that my mother struggled with the same issue of fear. I was nodding my head almost entirely through this whole post bc of how on point it is and how much I can relate to it. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. I'm sure you will celebrate her life as you raise your daughter. May God continue to use all of your pain and experiences to glorify Him!
I've felt that we're very similar too, Krissy! I agree, that those thoughts, be it suicide, fear, depression, etc. are very annoying/frustrating and they're all grouped together as a part of the enemy's strategy.
Like you, I feel that God sent my husband to me knowing that I needed someone with his strength and his faith and trust in God to keep me grounded. He does just that! I'm like my mother in SO many, many ways and I see her ways in me more and more as I get older. Thank you so much for your condolences and your open and thoughtful comment! God bless you, dear!
What an amazing and beautifully writen post. I couldn't agree more with :
"May they know that the difficulties of life are only tests and be able to handle them with the end result in mind; knowing that no matter the situation, whatever the case, God is working it out for their good."
So true.
I think everyone has had the same kind of thoughts cross their minds before, but God will pull through. He always does.
Exactly, Malanda, thanks! It's definitely a matter of keeping God in mind, like you said because He will definitely pull through…right on time! Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment!
Sorry. I so didn't mean for that post to go through a gazillion times. I'm posting this through my phone. Please feel free to delete at least 1/2 of them:)
Done!
It's so helpful to get things like this outside of our bodies and our minds! And you're right, we each deal with our down times in different ways…but I think we can all understand getting to that point where you feel like there's nothing else that can be done (helplessness). I definitely encourage therapy because it allows you to talk to someone who's not biased…and who is professionally trained to help you deal with some of the things going on in life! Nonetheless, family and friends can get the job done too. Mario is a great support for you.
And one last thing…one of the common themes we have at my church is "as soon as". As soon as those thoughts enter your head you have to SPEAK the truth of God!! The devil does use our minds…and some times our own minds are our worst enemy. We don't have to do it alone though…God is ALWAYS with us!!
Thank you for sharing this, Nicole!
P.S. – I LOVE that picture!!
Thanks for the compliment, Mionna! I agree that simply getting things off your chest makes you feel better…even crying about it helps sometimes (as we were talking about over the weekend). I also agree that Mario has been incredibly supportive but I do often think it'd be nice to go to therapy just to go. But I'll stick with you guys for now :)!
P.S. Your church always has a word for my situation, I love it!
This post touched more than any other one. Feel free to reach out to me at anytime. I will pray with you guys. Love ya!!!!
Awww thanks, Hattie! That's why I love you too!
Just happened upon your blog and I'm glad you did. That was a very intimate post and not much people feel comfortable enough in their own skin to share something so personal. I'm grateful that you did because there are others out there needing the encouragement and seeing this will realize that there is more to life out there. I'm happy that you have a very supporting husband. I recently lost my father a few months ago and it's been really hard on me as well. So hard that I decided to start seeing a therapist to talk to him about it. They say God don't give you more than you can bear and I admit at times I question his reasoning and ask why me? Sorry to ramble on. Anyway, hope you're having a great week!
Believe me, I definitely went back and forth in regards to hitting the publish button on this one. I am glad I did, I've received such positive, encouraging and thoughtful feedback, including yours, so I'm very thankful for that!
I'm sorry about the loss of your father and know firsthand that the loss of a parent is incredibly painful, so I pray for your peace and commend you for seeking therapy. That is something I should have done when I first lost my mother as well. God certainly does not put more on us than we can bear, even if we feel like He has! I too, still question his reasoning from time to time (almost two years later) but only because I'm human and miss her so much…but deep down I know that He makes no mistakes!
I pray that God will cover you and keep you in perfect peace! Thanks for taking the time to read and share!
this is a great post! so many of us i am sure have these feelings, but are afraid to share or put it down. so glad you can rely on faith to get you through it all. i have always thought of suicide happening when the pain one is having is higher than the coping mechanisms/resources they have to deal with the issue/pain.
I agree, Obi, you described it perfectly at the end there!