Most people want you to forgive and forget. The forgiving, to me, is actually the easy part. It’s a God given mandate. It’s something that I can easily do because it’s not only freeing for the person that I’m forgiving but it’s freeing for me probably more so than it is for them.
The hard part is forgetting. And, honestly, do we ever forget. Do you forget past hurts? Unless you’ve repressed your hurts, actually forgetting something hurtful and painful is really hard to do. So, I’ve always found the “forgive and forget” phrase to be, well, a little stupid. I get the intent though or at least what I think is intended by it. I think it actually means that what was done shouldn’t constantly be brought up, that it shouldn’t hinder you from moving forward, that it shouldn’t be a repetitive thought in your mind. I think people, especially women, really do try to forget how they’ve been hurt when it comes to their relationships. They try not to hold grudges, to not keep throwing things in the face of the ones that have hurt them, and to truly let it go.
“Ten times out of nine, I know you’re lying. But nine times outta ten, I know you’re trying. So I’m trying to be fair. And, you’re trying to be there and to care.”
But, you know why people tend to fail at this no matter how hard they try? Because oftentimes, people are dealing with hurt that is recurring. Sadly, I’ve found that women, especially women of color, tend to hold on to these types of relationships (where being hurt is a constant occurrence) the most. They’re doing everything they can to maintain the relationship only to be let down again. And, somehow they’ve been conditioned to believe they’re meant to be strong, endure and stay the course, even blaming themselves for the way they’ve been treated.
“Tell me, what did I do wrong? Feel like that question has been posed. I’m movin’ on.”
In these types of relationships, you’ll find yourself forgiving someone for the hurt and pain they’ve caused then attempt to forget. Then something similar happens and you must start the process again. Another incident occurs and it’s as if you’re at square one. Yet folks don’t want you holding the past over their heads. I’ve had women say to me; “well, you can’t keep bringing up what someone has done to you and keep throwing it in their face then say that you’ve forgiven them. You must not have forgiven them if you’re doing that.” Yeah, NO. Please stop with this advice. It’s wrong thinking, my friends.
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Here’s why; If you stab me and I now have an open wound and I choose to forgive you (the easy part), eventually my wound will start to heal. At some point, that wound will fully heal and I’ll actually be able to forget about it. It may have left just a tiny, little scar, but it’s barely noticeable. The hurt I felt is in the far, far reaches of my mind. Then, you stab me again in that same spot, maybe even in a different way. I’m sorry, folks, I’m going to be reminded of the last time you stabbed me too. I may choose to forgive and eventually start to heal, but that scar is a little bit more noticeable. Forgetting that pain becomes a bit more hard to tuck away in the back of my mind. Say, we continue this pattern. Do you really and truly expect for me to stop considering the multiple times you’ve stabbed me again and again no matter how many times I’ve chosen to forgive?
I’ve tried to keep this post about any relationship, for the most part, because it really does apply to different types of relationships. But, this it where it switches to being about what you know it’s about at heart; women and their relationships with men. And…
“I Ain’t Sorry.”
I think a lot of men get things wrong because they hurt and they hurt and they hurt then expect forgiveness, forgetfulness, and not to have their past wrongs held over their heads. It makes absolutely no sense and is so unfair to women. How about men start holding themselves accountable. How about men stop making excuses. How about men stop feeling bad because they’ve just had yet another thing held over their heads from the past, forgetting who’s really the hurt one in the relationship. How about men stop continually wounding women so that they can fully heal from their past hurts. Wouldn’t that be something?!
“When you hurt me, you hurt yourself. Don’t hurt yourself.”
“It could all be so simple…”
Be Intentional,
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Photo by James McQuillan
Quoted lyrics (1-4) from Beyonce’s album, LEMONADE
Quoted lyrics (5) from Lauren Hill’s album, The Miseducation of Lauren Hill
Quoted lyrics (5) from Lauren Hill’s album, The Miseducation of Lauren Hill
I find myself being more guarded with whomever has hurt me. And unfortunately, I've had to justify this to other people and they just don't seem to understand. Staying guarded is tiring, but not as tiring as continually allowing myself to be hurt over and over.
Same here, Cori! It amazes me that people think you can just brush being hurt off as if it never happened. You learn from that heart and try to find ways to protect yourself from being hurt again in the same way. It's not to say you can't move forward, it just means you're more cautious about your dealings as you move forward with the person.
Hurt is just what it says it is…it's hurt. It takes time to heal like you mentioned like a stab wound. So yes if its reoccurring, there is no time to heal but if it's a one time deal, one should be able to forgive and move on. By moving on, I'm saying through prayer and meditation on God's Word, what happened to you, shouldn't affect how you feel about that person anymore. So no, we don't forget because we are not Jesus who does not remember our wrong doings but we can change our thoughts & attitudes toward the person that wronged us. If those things haven't changed…forgiveness is not fully there yet. I shouldn't see someone who hurt me in the past that I say I've forgiven and roll my eyes and call them names…forgiveness is more than saying sorry. It's deep and it simply takes time. It takes changing my thoughts of what happened and the person that hurt me.
I found myself saying YASSSSS this whole post lol..yes to the beyonce quotes cause…yonce. Yes to that last paragraph because it is the FULL TRUTH. I've encountered men (both friends and ones I've been in relationships with) that think if they hurt you, you should automatically forgive and never bring it up again. Which has always been odd to me because men usually don't have the same type of leniency for women that hurt them. I think it's stupid to completely forget, especially if it occurs over and over. Not saying you should hold it over their heads, but just be aware.
And just yes to this whole post…loved it.
I agree with you 100%. It is easy to forgive but extremely hard to forget. Unfortunately, not forgiving can then be taken in to future relationships.
The not forgetting is as bad as not forgiving.I know we are human and can't , but not forgetting changes us and not always in a positive light.This whole post is spot on and I agree. I wish I could forget as easy as I forgive.
What you've written about is why I'm so guarded. Depending on what the hurt is, sure, I can forgive you once. We can try to work together to move forward from there…see that…work TOGETHER!! We're not working together if the same types of hurts continue to happen.
The thing is, we can't forget. Who wants to hurt again after you've already been hurt?! If you hurt me, I won't forget because I want to keep myself from hurting so much if it happens again! So I'm guarded. The crazy thing about it is…being guarded really doesn't keep you from hurting as much…it ruins the time in between because you're on the look out for hurt as soon as your see "signs".
As women, our relationships with other women are completely different from our relationships with men. Men hurt us and expect us to get over it…never knowing how it would feel to hurt in that way because we (SOME women) wouldn't dare to hurt them like that! It's a crazy cycle.
This is one area I have trouble with. I'm the way I am because of how I grew up. I can't help that…I really can't. BUT I feel like if people were open and honest about what they truly wanted, we would truly be able to forgive and forget. I could elaborate, but I've already written too much! LOL
Great post Nicole!
Hello Pharr Away! Thank you so much for sharing this post! Your blog is very inspiring! I’ve so enjoyed reading your blog and nominated you for the “One Lovely Blog Award”. You can participate and learn more here: https://couragefromwithin.com/2016/05/24/one-lovely-blog-award-thanks/#more-6583
I love this!! It echos every reason why we build walls and hold grudges!